What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
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No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.