#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
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Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.