[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
You Might Also Like
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂