I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
You Might Also Like
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.