Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
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[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.