Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
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Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what