911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
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Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*