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Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
get you a girl who
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
pictures of spider-man
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!