Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
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There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Lmao
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.