Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
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I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Ain’t no way
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit