Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
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Not muting your mic is the new reply all
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper