[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
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It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
[the middle of showering] I need a break
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse