Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
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I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Meow
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
For those that worship cheese..
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My sex drive has a dui
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill