chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
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my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Batman v Dracula
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
omg leave her alone
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.