Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
You Might Also Like
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.