I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
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Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
no refunds
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.