[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
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The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Need this in my life lol
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
you gotta be faster
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs