I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
best first i’ve ever seen
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
The Struggle
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot