My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
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It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.