I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
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There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm