GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
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I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.