It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
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There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
These are my roll models.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?