My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
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I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT