Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
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My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?