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Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
time for some seasonal decor
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.