One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
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[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.