It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
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hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out