At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
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wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
All set.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.