me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
You Might Also Like
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
X-tra spooky blend
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico