Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
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Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!