Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
You Might Also Like
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Damn what did I do next
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’