I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
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Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
#Caturday
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
See..?
.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.