I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
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My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.