* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
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Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!