WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
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*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.