I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
best first i’ve ever seen
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
If you know, you know 😂🚔
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories