Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
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Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Natty or not?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not