*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I missed you with all my darts
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads