scared to check what name she chose
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Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan