Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
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Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I put the mess in domestic.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat