People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
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hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.