[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
You Might Also Like
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.