Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
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Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
They did not miss in the small print
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down