Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
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When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Beauty and the Beast
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.