Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
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“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
mumsnet is amazing
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Me too
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.