I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
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I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.