I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
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[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
The glory of fall.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I am never leaving this website