[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
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Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body