The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
You Might Also Like
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]