[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
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Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
The French word for sex is croissant.